The hand-soap currently doing duty and standing sentinel in our bathroom came to us affixed with a label reading “This soap was handmade in Tanzania by disabled artisans for the Wonder Workshop”. A good cause surely, but a hilarious example of conspicuous PC right-on-ism that unintentionally creates comedy out of liberalism. The extremes of either side of the political spectrum are, and should be, met with ridicule: Fascism and Charlie Chaplin’s The Great Dictator, Communism and Monty Python’s Communist Quiz (or Kommunista kvíz as it’s called on this YouTube clip), and more recently Islamism and Chris Morris’ Four Lions. These are all examples of political forms which at their heart are totalitarian; they wish to force a lifestyle upon you, and in return the best defence is to take the piss. But the people at Wonder Workshop don’t want to control your thoughts and actions, they just want to give work to those who need it, and make my hands clean after I use the toilet.
“These lamb chops come from lambs which were read bedtime stories and given a kiss goodnight before being gently smothered in their sleep.” “This toilet paper comes from trees which were asked nicely to come down, and paper mills operated by unionised self-sufficient Guardian columnists.” “These fish and chips come from non-stereotypical Irish potato-growers, and Icelandic victims of the Cod Wars.” “This mp3 comes from non-major label, anti-globalisation musicians, playing traditional African and South American wooden instruments, recorded using pre-digital methods, and distributed using non-destructive carbon-neutral channels.” “This racehorse was bred using all-natural consensual relations from parents in a non-traditional loving relationship, and this betting slip is printed using renewable inks onto recycled feminine hygiene products.” “These underpants are styled on ancient pre-Christian druid-pants, lovingly fashioned from tenderised hessian sackcloth, and are here modelled by a gay divorced black Catholic nun.”
All these products are real and can be ordered directly from the manufactures by sending postal orders or devalued Third World currency to the charitable beardy people at Empowering Peoples of Undervalued Communities (Corp. Inc.). All orders will be hand-picked and hand-packed by Iranian victims of wrongful conviction for theft under the post-Colonial, pre-Islamic Revolution, empire of the Shahs. All deliveries will be made, on bicycles forged from recycled McDonald’s straws, by couriers whose growth was stunted during Margaret Thatcher’s now-discredited withdrawal of free milk for primary school children. Couriers will knock on your door gently and unobtrusively, after clearing their throat so as not to surprise or shock you, and speak to you in an inclusive, sympathetic and non-judgemental tone. Your custom helps to keep the world afloat and every penny you spend with us is a defiant ‘No!’ spoken out against multinationalism and globalisation; together we can make a difference.