272: What's so Good about it :)

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Codex Magliabechia

The Aztecs (or Incas, Mayans, whatever) were a primitive, vicious and barbaric people.  They ruled their masses with fear and blood.  Prisoners were sacrificed; thousands at a time, in days long massacres; spilling blood to appease a monstrous and jealous god.  What disgusting behaviour.  No way to run a society, and what shallow and stupid beliefs.  In modern times, in the culturally advanced Western world, no one could possibly believe such drivel.  And what a pathetic little god; what kind of god would want thousands of lowly prisoners blood as payment?  No, a real god would want only the blood of one sacrifice; the blood of his only son (who is also him, and a holy spirit, but they are one, and three, but just one, and Christianity is not a polytheism honestly, it is definitely a monotheism.  One god, not three!  And forget about the Virgin Mary, and all the saints, angels, archangels, cherubim, seraphim, thrones... it’s definitely a monotheism...).

a cherub

So now we have the correct religion: Christianity.  It was still dreamed up by barbaric and ignorant people, and used to control through fear (of death, of punishment, of banishment, of torture), guilt, and blood.  It is still based entirely around human sacrifice, except this one ups the ante by making that human a GOD.  And his sacrifice is YOUR FAULT, because you are a dirty unclean original-sinning human, with sexual thoughts and a range of emotions.  Now this sacrificed is relived on a regular basis, with cannibalism thrown into the mix; through the miracle of transubstantiation, during the Eucharist/Holy Communion a little biscuit morphs into the actual flesh of Christ, and a drop of wine becomes a foetid jug of Jesus blood.  This is eagerly and gleefully devoured by the faithful.

God the Father, Julius Schnorr

This new god is still a sadistic, torturous, murderous, genocidal, infanticidal, homophobic, racist, tyrannical, jealous, cruel and unusual, ultimate dictator, but now he loves you.  You can avoid his punishment by accepting and believing the fact that he sent his son down to earth to die for your sins.  He is all powerful, all knowing, all seeing, and everywhere at all times.  Hang on a second... if he is all powerful why can he only forgive us by torturing and murdering his only son.  Surely he could just forgive us?  Could it be that this monster with a long history of causing death and pain, actually wanted to beat and crucify his only son?  Did he get some perverse sexual thrill out of it?  No of course not; how dare I suggest such a thing.

The Judas Kiss, Gustave Dore

Or maybe god’s motive in this stupid roundabout way of forgiving our sins was to set up his old rivals, the Jews.  If indeed Jesus had to die for our sins to be forgiven, then it follows equally that Judas had to play his role too.  For Jesus to die, his location had to be revealed to the Romans by a friend.  If the story of Jesus is true, then Judas is equally a saviour and a hero.  He helped create our salvation, and has been repaid with disembowelling, hanging, and being the motive for two millennia of mindless you-killed-Jesus anti-Semitism.  It looks like this was that loving god’s motive all along.  He unnecessarily orchestrated this whole ludicrous, bloody facade in order to divide (and conquer?) his believers.  What a cunt!

(* - Piss Christ, by Andres Serrano)

Cristo crucificado, Diego Velazquez

Crucifixion (16th Century) , Theophanes the Cretan

The Passion of the Christ, Mel Gibson ("He is sick to his empty core" -Christopher Hitchens)

185: ancient pre-Christian druid-pants

The hand-soap currently doing duty and standing sentinel in our bathroom came to us affixed with a label reading “This soap was handmade in Tanzania by disabled artisans for the Wonder Workshop”.  A good cause surely, but a hilarious example of conspicuous PC right-on-ism that unintentionally creates comedy out of liberalism.  The extremes of either side of the political spectrum are, and should be, met with ridicule: Fascism and Charlie Chaplin’s The Great Dictator, Communism and Monty Python’s Communist Quiz (or Kommunista kvíz as it’s called on this YouTube clip), and more recently Islamism and Chris Morris’ Four Lions.  These are all examples of political forms which at their heart are totalitarian; they wish to force a lifestyle upon you, and in return the best defence is to take the piss.  But the people at Wonder Workshop don’t want to control your thoughts and actions, they just want to give work to those who need it, and make my hands clean after I use the toilet.

  

“These lamb chops come from lambs which were read bedtime stories and given a kiss goodnight before being gently smothered in their sleep.”  “This toilet paper comes from trees which were asked nicely to come down, and paper mills operated by unionised self-sufficient Guardian columnists.”  “These fish and chips come from non-stereotypical Irish potato-growers, and Icelandic victims of the Cod Wars.”  “This mp3 comes from non-major label, anti-globalisation musicians, playing traditional African and South American wooden instruments, recorded using pre-digital methods, and distributed using non-destructive carbon-neutral channels.”  “This racehorse was bred using all-natural consensual relations from parents in a non-traditional loving relationship, and this betting slip is printed using renewable inks onto recycled feminine hygiene products.”  “These underpants are styled on ancient pre-Christian druid-pants, lovingly fashioned from tenderised hessian sackcloth, and are here modelled by a gay divorced black Catholic nun.”

All these products are real and can be ordered directly from the manufactures by sending postal orders or devalued Third World currency to the charitable beardy people at Empowering Peoples of Undervalued Communities (Corp. Inc.).  All orders will be hand-picked and hand-packed by Iranian victims of wrongful conviction for theft under the post-Colonial, pre-Islamic Revolution, empire of the Shahs.  All deliveries will be made, on bicycles forged from recycled McDonald’s straws, by couriers whose growth was stunted during Margaret Thatcher’s now-discredited withdrawal of free milk for primary school children.  Couriers will knock on your door gently and unobtrusively, after clearing their throat so as not to surprise or shock you, and speak to you in an inclusive, sympathetic and non-judgemental tone.  Your custom helps to keep the world afloat and every penny you spend with us is a defiant ‘No!’ spoken out against multinationalism and globalisation; together we can make a difference.