... but I stopped. Now I'm a dad, and may blog again...

Thursday, May 19, 2011

298: Are shoes cute? No, they are shoes.

I work in the shoe department of an extremely popular chain of budget clothes shops.  On an entirely unrelated note a large number of people seem to have a vernacular that is less than perfect; pronunciation that is creative, and diction that is lazy.  Snobby?  Well, it’s the truth and you know it, so call me snobby if you wish to put your hand up as a massive hypocrite.  Anyway... 

Many times a day I hear the same statements uttered, and conversations had repeatedly.  For instance over and over again shoes (i.e. inanimate objects you stick on your feet to keep your toes warm and your soles free from blisters) described as cute.  Hear me now, women of the world: shoes are not cute.  They do not have eyes.  Cats are cute; people are cute; even some dogs are cute.  Shoes are not cute.  But I digress.

A conversational snippet I overhear many times goes like this:
Woman one:  Eee-ah, luk ah ‘em, ey.  ‘Ey ahr well cute, int ‘ey.
Woman two:  Ohh-ay, ay go’ ‘em, bu’ as rect ‘em.

Please allow me to translate:
Woman one:  Oh yay, observe yonder shoes.  I do proclaim that they may be the finest I have ever laid eyes upon, don’t you agree?
Woman two:  Indeed, their aesthetic charm is undeniable.  As a matter of fact, I once was the proud owner of such a pair.  Alas the tale ends sadly, for I did damage them beyond repair.

Rect ‘em or ‘wrecked  them’ is the key phrase in this whimsical comic observation.  I work in a shoe department, not the proctology department.  When I took the job picking up shoes I never expected to hear such frequent mentions of the word rectum.  Rectum.  Yes, all that torturous exposition was based simply on my noticing that wrecked ‘em and rectum are homonyms.

Now I’ve noticed I can’t un-notice.   Now I regularly get to snigger and snicker to myself as people making mundane statements about shoes inadvertently refer to their poop-chutes.  Oh, what joy!  It’s these little moments that keep life alive.  Hopefully it will never lose its charm and ability to make me titter.

Apparently BT don’t take too kindly to long overdue bills, and are want to do something called cutting of the frikkin internet.  As a result I Blog Every Day is not just a half-truth, but an impossibility.  I’m continuing to write daily into MS Word, and on a later date, probably Thursday, I’ll head down to BLANKSPACE to up these babies.  Thursday is the day of the 300; a big day for me, so expect a reference to a graphic novel I have never read/shitty over-produced movie.


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