... but I stopped. Now I'm a dad, and may blog again...

Saturday, May 05, 2012

586: Primula Burger Cheese

Primula Burger Cheese is a thing. A thing made by the people that brought you Primula Cheese, Primula Cheese Light, and Primula Cheese Prawns. Yes. Primula Cheese Prawns is a thing too. Inexplicable. Primula Burger Cheese. A cheese-like goo-gloop that plops 49% wet cheese snot onto your hot meat sandwich, for a limited time only this summer. Now that we are into the barbeque season. Now we're there.

I'm convinced. The advert has got me. Cheese, made into a slow sticky liquid by mixing it with concentrated milk/whey and emulsifying salts specifically to accompany one food type, dispensed from a tube, like acrylic paint or Anusol, is self-evidently such a wonderful idea. More foods in tubes please. I'm putting in my official request to the manufacturers of the things what I eat in my mouth and tummy. Tube food now please.

I want burger meat in a tube. Squeeze a circle of squishy meat paste straight out of the tube and into the pan for an instant burger. 49% stuff, straight outta the tube. Squeeze it into a sausage. A smiley face. Write a happy breakfast-in-bed message to your lover. Write it in meat paste. Cook it in the pan and serve it on the pillow at the break of dawn. Happy Sunday, Sexy! Let's celebrate in style with meat paste and Primula Burger Cheese. Pack it in your suitcase and take it on holiday. Remember not to pack it in hand luggage. It must go in the hold with all the other liquids.

When I think of food in tubes, I think of feeding tubes. Primula Burger Cheese squeezed directly into the stomach by means of medical intervention. Protect against malnutrition with creepy cringeworthy pipes penetrating stomach lining or pushed up nostril and down the back of the throat. Mmm, yes, yummy. Pass me the Primula. Squeeze that sumbitch straight down my gargling gob 'n' gullet. Pass me the pipe. Feed me the feeding tube.

Primula Cheese Prawns. I just wanted to type those three little words again. Next time I'm in a screen cliche of a romantic situation and my partner asks to hear those three little words, I'll look her deep and longingly into those beautiful brown eyes. I'll gently but firmly grasp her shoulders in my strong rugged hands. I'll lean towards her, unblinking, as her chest heaves and her heart beats. I'll stroke her hair, gently kiss her lips and say those three little words. Primula Cheese Prawns. The words she loves to hear. Primula Cheese Prawns, and Primula Burger Cheese too.


1 comment:

Willis Shafthauer said...

I used to work at Subway, they have bags of food filled with something which resembles cheese, and yet when sampled on its own, tastes almost nothing like cheese. The one thing you expect cheese to taste like.

You'd like the bread, it arrives looking like the turds of a poorly, newborn giraffe.