Primula Burger Cheese
is a thing. A thing made by the people that brought you Primula
Cheese, Primula Cheese Light, and Primula Cheese Prawns. Yes.
Primula Cheese Prawns is a thing too. Inexplicable. Primula Burger
Cheese. A cheese-like goo-gloop that plops 49% wet cheese snot onto
your hot meat sandwich, for a limited time only this summer. Now
that we are into the barbeque season. Now we're there.
I'm convinced. The
advert has got me. Cheese, made into a slow sticky liquid by mixing
it with concentrated milk/whey and emulsifying salts specifically to
accompany one food type, dispensed from a tube, like acrylic paint or
Anusol, is self-evidently such a wonderful idea. More foods in tubes
please. I'm putting in my official request to the manufacturers of
the things what I eat in my mouth and tummy. Tube food now please.
I want burger meat in a
tube. Squeeze a circle of squishy meat paste straight out of the
tube and into the pan for an instant burger. 49% stuff, straight
outta the tube. Squeeze it into a sausage. A smiley face. Write a
happy breakfast-in-bed message to your lover. Write it in meat
paste. Cook it in the pan and serve it on the pillow at the break of
dawn. Happy Sunday, Sexy! Let's celebrate in style with meat paste
and Primula Burger Cheese. Pack it in your suitcase and take it on
holiday. Remember not to pack it in hand luggage. It must go in the
hold with all the other liquids.
When I think of food in
tubes, I think of feeding tubes. Primula Burger Cheese squeezed
directly into the stomach by means of medical intervention. Protect
against malnutrition with creepy cringeworthy pipes penetrating
stomach lining or pushed up nostril and down the back of the throat.
Mmm, yes, yummy. Pass me the Primula. Squeeze that sumbitch
straight down my gargling gob 'n' gullet. Pass me the pipe. Feed me
the feeding tube.
Primula Cheese Prawns.
I just wanted to type those three little words again. Next time I'm
in a screen cliche of a romantic situation and my partner asks to
hear those three little words, I'll look her deep and longingly into
those beautiful brown eyes. I'll gently but firmly grasp her
shoulders in my strong rugged hands. I'll lean towards her,
unblinking, as her chest heaves and her heart beats. I'll stroke her
hair, gently kiss her lips and say those three little words. Primula
Cheese Prawns. The words she
loves to hear. Primula Cheese Prawns, and Primula Burger
Cheese too.
boke
1 comment:
I used to work at Subway, they have bags of food filled with something which resembles cheese, and yet when sampled on its own, tastes almost nothing like cheese. The one thing you expect cheese to taste like.
You'd like the bread, it arrives looking like the turds of a poorly, newborn giraffe.
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