... but I stopped. Now I'm a dad, and may blog again...

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

579: Apprentices and Myself

You try and take me on and you might as well try and drown a shark. I'm a frequent flier, a blue sky thinker, an out of the box talker. You want original ideas, first class leadership, and awesome aptitude for anything and everything, then come to myself, I'm your man. I'm the new apprentice. I'm, like, just the fucking best and you are all a bunch of fucking idiots. Just look at myself. I mean, seriously, just look. Yeah? Are so seeing it? I bet you are, yeah. Goddamn, I'm good. And so, so smart, handsome, charismatic, humble. Give me a pound and a week and I'll give you a thousand pounds. Give me a year and I'll give you a million. Two years; ten million. I'm serious.

Now Lord Sugar, Alan, Al, can I call you Al? Lord Sugar, all the good ideas originated with myself, and all the bad ideas were the woman's fault. Fire the woman so it's just us blokes. Me, myself, and my hand-shaking, high-fiving, bullshitting, boys. Examples? You want examples? Well, fine, no problem; I got examples coming out my motherfucking ass, Lord Sugar. I was great a selling, and generating ideas. Footfall. I sold, sold, sold. I was tasked with monitoring footfall, generating numbers, and finalising, aligning, and crunching. You give me a job and you can be sure it will be done, withing or before the allotted time required for completion. Give me two jobs and I'll do them both. I'm like a plate spinner with three balls. I keep them all balanced on fingers and noses. When I say it's done you know it's done.

Marketing and sales, the two greatest modern art signs of a genius. Well, Lord Sugar, this is my face, and this is the sign of a genius. I know what I'm doing because I wasn't born into money. Not everyone can work up and get what I've got through myself and myselves on efforts. See this watch? I bought this by myself. My dad didn't even help or nuffink, Lord Sugar. Yeah, well it's a second generation family business. Yes, my dad did start it, but honestly that's not why I got the opportunity. I joined my dad's family business through dedication and hard work, spit and oil, dry skin and force. And with or without you Dad, I mean, Lord Sugar, sorry, easy mistake. But at this point I just want to say that I have so much more to prove. Give me another chance to show you and I won't let you down. Please, please, I can change, I can change.

OK, thank you for the opportunity, Lord Sugar. Good luck, guys. Goodbye everyone. Are you sure it's myself wot's fired? Oh, ok, just checking. I'm thorough like that. And determined. And... No, it's ok, I'll leave. Dicks.

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