If the computer continues not to heed my warnings – not to properly respond to the beatings I give it – I may have to dump its body off a bridge, and return to the primitive, forgotten method of scratching a blue or black liquid colour onto the surface of pressed and dried wood pulp using the tip of a pointed metal and plastic stylus. Remember those things? Who am I writing this for? Is it to educate and entertain others, or am I simply wriggling endlessly in a pit of self-satisfied mulch? What's my motivation, asked the actor. You have nothing much to say, yet you say it regardless, replied the director.
Then, when I have scribbled my blog onto a piece of paper I will literally have to post it to all who request a copy. I'll advertise in the back of obscure journals, magazines and fanzines and interested parties can send four first-class stamps and a SAE to me via my PO Box address. I'll then send them a photocopied list of all available blog posts which they can order via post or fax. And the newly old-fashioneded word blog (short for web log) shall be replaced with a more appropriate word such as tlog (post log) or rlog (paper log). Readers who wish to contribute to my running costs can post me milk bottle tops.
When I was very young, on holiday in Spain with my family, I wrote a note and popped it in a bottle. My dad and I stashed the bottle in the bank of a dried up riverbed running alongside my granddad's house (we call him Spanish Granddad although he only lives there). I have no idea if the bottle ever found a recipient or even if it left its dry bed. I can't remember what I wrote, or even if I actually wrote anything. Unless my parents can remember there is no way I will ever know. Essentially what I was doing was contributing another bit of shit to a shit-filled world. In many ways this should be considered my first ever blog post.
Eventually I may upgrade to Morse code and/or the latest in telegraphy technology, but not in the near future. The paper, envelope and stamp medium of tlogging/rlogging is much more personal ; collect them all and stick them on a shelf. Pop them in a bottle and throw them off a motorway bridge. Roll them into a funnel and use them to insert small objects up your fundament or the fundament of an associate. Write your suggestions for other uses on a postcard and send them to the usual address @ dot dot dot dash dash dot dash dot dash dash dash dot dash dot co dash uk