327: "It's ages since I last had caviar."

"It's ages since I last had caviar." : the most pretentious thing I said today – let's see if we can beat it. Well to begin with I've been copying the punctuation style used in James Joyce's Ulysses for the last few blogs : its all colons and semi colons, hyphens spaces and incredibly long sentences – except the difference being that Joyce was a fan of cricket, whereas I prefer fencing anc classical dressage; most pretentious of all the sports 'likess' is Wimbledon, so serve me up some strawberry's and cream, pat me on the arse and send me in after whoever is the current British star.

I get this beard wax specially imported from Guatamala – it's made using organic hair and the carapaces of a local giant crab louse – I know it sounds disgusting, but there's nothing like it – my handle bar mustache is strong and long, glossy and happy. It contains no E numbers and neither does this speciality loaf, which is baked by Bakers Against the Iraq War Co-Operative – I've hollowed the loaf out and filled it with steamed asparagus and quails eggs. It's a sandwich and a lunch box all in one – I have recycled some hemp rope into a handle for my loaf.

When I walk I hold myself to get maximum exposure : I've got something to say , but people get the measure of me the moment they see me – I use a shallow exterior to lure people in ; before they know it they are swimming in my depth. There goes the guy with a loaf on a rope people say ; other's reply I know him, he is very knowledgeble on Gothic architecture, rides a unicycle and has some interesting words to say on the real story behind 9/11 – and the people will say to me you should write poetry, I bet you'd be really good at it. And I say well.

I collect name tags from shops and fast-food restaurants and wear them together like medals on my chest and lapels – I view it as an art piece and a statement about modern man's downfall from warrior to wage slave, the disposable nature of modern culture and the temporary nature of unskilled work. I am a blogger. People think being pretentious is a bad thing , but I see it from another angle – to me being pretentious is a positive – I want to be pretentious.

I call my mum mama and my daddy Frank and I have a pet salamander called George A Romero and a complete collection of De Agostini magazines – my favourite series are British Steam Railways, Hannah Montana, and Elvis. I sit in coffee shops with my Apple computer, but that's normal ; everyone I know does that – sometimes I go along without my Apple and just sit their eating an apple, you know just people-watching waiting for that one woman (or guy, you know I'm down with that) who gets what I'm doing.

One day I'm going to wear my hair in ringlets and wear a woggle instead of tying my tie in the post-colonial way you do. You all think Heinz baked beans are the best but I actually prefer Netto own brand. I'm awesome ; you can tell just by looking at me.

Apart from the details, and the fact I made it all up; it's all true.