531: "And," he said.

I was talking to this bloke just before this something happened, just before the incident with the Ovaltine and the student production of Hamlet, just before that, and he said "You know what?" I said, "No, what?" "You'll never guess," he said. "Go on," I said. "No, you go on. Go on, guess," he said. "Is it toothpaste?" I wondered out loud. "Are you talking to me about toothpaste," he asked. "I was only asking," I said. "No, not toothpaste," he said. "Guess again." "Is it a light bulb," I said. "No, it's not a bloody light bulb, is it," he said. "Does it look like a bloody light bulb?"

"I can't see it," I said. "Just tell me what's what, what's happening , or whatever." "No, go on, guess again," he said. "You like guessing, don't you," he said. "You're having fun, aren't you." "If you say so," I said. "No, I didn't," he said. "Are you guessing?" "Is it tarpaulin," I said. "You're getting warm," he said. "Is it a ground sheet," I said. "No, it's not a bloody ground sheet," he said. "You're freezing." "Is it a helicopter?" "Warmer." "An 'elicopter?" "Warmer!" "A bee?" "WARMER!" "A mouse?" "No, it's not a bloody mouse, is it? Are you having a laugh?" "No," I said.

"You know what?" he said. "No, what?" I said. "I'm just going to tell you," he said. "OK," I said. "Right, I hope you're listening," he said. "Cos I haven't got long," he said. "This is milkshake, that is ketchup, and that is marmalade," he said, pointing at various stains and smudges on his otherwise immaculate tunic. "Oh?" I said. "Do you follow?" he said. "I'm not sure I do," I said. "It's bleeding obvious, isn't it," he said. "Right, I'll start at the bloody start, will I," he said. "OK," I said.

"You know John," he said. "No, wait, you're not John, are you?" he said. "I'm not John, no," I said. "No, I didn't not think you were not," he said. "Good, cos I'm not," I said. "I never said you were now, did I," he said. "Why would I be talking about John to you if you were John," he said. "I wouldn't be doing it, would I," he said. "I suppose not," I said. "Anyway, forget about John," he said. "John's got nothing to do with anything." So I forgot about John. "I got a new telephone," he said. "One of them new ones with buttons on and a curly wire," he said. "The man at the shop told me it was a good one," he said. "You know about these things, don't you," he said. "Does it sound like a good one to you," he said. "Sounds fine," I said.

"You've met Mary, yes," he said. "Which Mary?" I said. "You know, Mary," he said. "Mary Mary, you know the one, Mary," he said. "Which Mary?" I said. "Don't be so bloody stubborn," he said. "She was helping them out," he said. "I think it was her," he said. "OK," I said. "Mary whose old man has a van," I said. "Don't be daft," he said. "Not that bloody Mary. Aren't you even paying attention?" he said. "I'm trying," I said. "Good," he said. "Cos I've made myself perfectly bloody clear," he said.