You know when you have that feeling in your bronciholes and your bronchioles? The sort of stretched, achy, gooey feeling which causes painful spasmodic leaps of the chest, in turn causing the expulsion of a thick muchoid substance and a sound like cough or hack? Of course you do, we've all been there. It's called a cough, isn't it; you've all had one. Many of you probably have one now, what with it been winter in the northern hemisphere and the probability of any random person in the world living in the northern hemisphere being approximately 9/10 (or whatever, I don't understand betting odds at all... point is, I think, 90% of the world live in the north, where it is winter. In winter human beings get this thing called the common cold, it's pretty common and often results in a cough).
There is one person in this room, me, and I am coughing. From this small sample I infer that 100% of the world's human being population are coughing. I know I am. But perhaps it is not the cough and the humanity that are linked. It could simply be that 100% of the worlds blond-haired, bespectacled, 30-year old males are currently coughing. Or it may be indication that 100% of people with a little bit of dry skin on their left ring finger, who have no known Transylvanian ancestry, and who have eaten pizza in the last week, are coughing. Suppose that is the case. Go on, suppose it. I have only my self to observe, therefore can only assume that everyone is like me. I will refuse to believe otherwise even if presented with evidence that negates my conceptions. Evidence that doesn't back me up is not evidence at all. Ignore it. I know I will.
Remember that strange phenomena I explained earlier? The thing I referred to as a cough? The thing with coffing, is it's just so moreish; it's almost addictive. Even though I want to quit I just keep going back to it. I try to go cold turkey, to just plain quit: stop. But after a few minutes I feel the urge, the black dog, the dead cat clawing at my back; that tickle that tempts one. I've tried water, toddies, methadone, mephadrone, but nothing helps. They just postpone the inevitable. The water and/or the toddy give moments of release and then soon again the cough comes back as if it never left.
Cough medicine exists, it is a thing you can buy. It comes in many different brands, in different bottles aimed at different target markets, but they all have one thing in common. They are a big fucking cunting shit-faced fuckery of a waste of time and money. They do not fucking work and are a complete rip off. F'act. Her is what happens: You pour yourself a spoon~ or capful and knock it back. The instructions inform you it will provide hours of instant relief by coating your red-raw throat with a silky-smooth wash of medicated goodness. They tell you to only use every few hours, and imply that you will only need to.
The reality is that you receive relief lasting a few moments. Just as with a sip of water or toddy the tickle that precedes the cough returns after seconds or minutes. With water and, to a lesser extent, toddy you can keep sipping as and when required. With cough medicine, that is it. Wait a few hours for your next ineffectual hit. Don't be fooled by the adverts. Don't believe the hype. And don't, if at all possible, start coughing in the first place. It's like a downward spiral, the proverbial tube of pringles. One you cough you just can't stop. Take it from me. I've been there; to hell and back. I've been to the very bottom, and now with god's help I can get through this......
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cough
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