Now I join an elite group of people. No, I'm not a member of the Privy Council, the chess grandmasters, or the mile high club. No, I am now a person who has had a surprise party thrown for them. I'm a person who has walked into my own flat, wondered why all the lights were turned off, and then screamed fuck me at the sudden explosions of party poppers, flash bulbs and cries of surprise! Then realised the dark room I had just shouted fuck into included very young talkative children - my niece and the two boys of a friend. Fortunately for me the party wasn't hampered (or enlivened) by children loudly and repeatedly proclaiming knowledge of their explicitly expanding vocabulary. "Happy Birthday, and thanks for teaching my kids how to say fuck, you dick."
It turns out my friends, family and fiancee are a scheming bunch engaged in midnight trysts in deserted multi-storey parking facilities to exchange briefcase and cipher for bundles of cash with non-consecutive serial numbers. Jack Bauer and Mr. Monk couldn't have telegraphed this conspiracy. The snipers on the rooftops should have tipped me off, but my defences were lowered because of the sodium pentothal that was administered to me against my will and knowledge. I'm sorry friends, family and fiancee but I will be reporting you all of tribunal at The Hague International Court of Justice for crimes against something something mumble mumble, yeah.
Then I was forced to enjoy imbibing alcohol and having fun; forced to have fun! With bossy games of pass-the-parcel and all music that I like; it was terrible. Music that I like, played in a room I feel comfortable in, surrounded by people I like and love, eating food, moving around and making laughing sounds with my face. It was just awful. You should have been there. It was like a party, for my birthday, and I got to spend the day doing nice things and having a good time. If that doesn't sound suspicious I don't know what does.
Regularly throughout the evening people expressed disbelief that I had not cottoned onto the conspiracy, but I really had no idea. At no point in the weeks, days, hours and minutes leading up to the party did I suspect anything at all was going on. This is a testament to the ingenuity of my friends and the amazing hard work and dedication of my fiancee. I must really be fucking amazing to deserve all that. Now I have a year and a half to plot a birthday to remind my fiancee how fucking amazing she is... Oh no, why has she set the bar so high!?
I had a great birthday; thanks everyone :)