Yesterday I felt the uncomfortable feeling of an urge to watch I’m a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! It was an unpleasant sticky feeling, like sitting down on the bus without first looking, only to discover a patch of vomit soaking through ones trousers. Wanting to watch I’m a Celebrity is a disgusting perverse feeling I hope I never feel again; otherwise how will I be able to look my reflection in the eyes? That said, I now present my excuses to you:
I received word, through the bollocks that passes for news on yahoo and the other internets, that wretched sub-human Gillian McKeith is locked in the stocks being pelted with shit and rocks by a robust public. She is a despicable bullshitter (note to libel lawyers: Gillian McKeith is not a liar. Aside: she is) who pretends to be a doctor in order to turn good advice (eat more vegetables) into a combination of commerce and anti-science. The world would be a better place if she wasn’t in it. She stupidifies the public in order to line her pockets and expects to be treated like a messiah. In return the public is torturing her by texting in their votes. We want to see the poo-poking shrew slapped about by rats and force-fed snake foetuses (or whatever).
The only thing that prevented me from actually watching any of I’m a Celebrity is the horrific thought of actually having to look at her face or, god forbid, hear her speak. What a stomach wrenching thought, and one I don’t want to repeat. I’m sure given time and encouragement I could manage to escape a box of rats or eat a spider, but I honestly couldn’t handle the skin-crawling unholy combination of Gillian McKeith’s face and voice. Add to that her opinions on anything and I would rather drink diarrhoea through a straw and be shot in the face. She has to be the worst woman alive in the popular media today, with the possible exception of Sarah Palin, the creepy megalomaniac masquerading as a quiet lil’ mom.
One day I may pull myself together and build up the necessary intestinal fortitude required in order to look at McKeith. If that does happen I will use the power to watch her on YouTube being humiliated by bush tucker trials. A terrible thought crosses my mind; by the time I watch Smelly Poo McKeith on YouTube, America may have had its first female president. Gak! Perish the thought. Fucking hell; god help us. Where is John Wilkes Booth when you need him? (note to threatening language lawyers: Sarah Palin would not benefit from assassination. Aside: everyone else might...)
The Sound and the Fury: Great article about Sarah Palin from Vanity Fair here.
What’s wrong with Dr Gillian McKeith? By Ben Goldacre here.