Block Chop 26: Doctor in Homeopathy? Of course I could do that.

Yesterday afternoon I applied for a job as Speciality Doctor in Homeopathy at Ninewells Hospital in Dundee.  The salary is £36,807 to £68,638, apparently for eight hours work a week.  Online application through the website is currently closed, presumably because of sarcastic people like me, concerned about NHS funds being wasted on witchcraft.  If you too would like to apply for this job you can find all the info here and email your application to recruitment.tayside@nhs.net.

To help you with the application process below is what I wrote in my statement in support of the application.  I’m pretty sure this is the right sort of thing:

I have no medical or scientific qualifications and as such feel perfectly suited to the advertised role of Homeopath.  I notice that you are currently not accepting applications.  I assume this is due to overwhelming demand for such a cushy job.  Up to £69,000 of tax payers’ money for eight hours a week. (I assume the salary is pro rata however the description doesn’t make this clear.)  I would be willing to work as little as half an hour a week for a representative cut of the money.  It would be nice to do a job share so that as many people as possible may share in the spoils of this fraud against science and the tax payer.

As mentioned I am not a scientist or a doctor, but I do have experience in creative writing and sales.  I also have a medical dictionary and a copy of Grey’s Anatomy which I can consult for impressive jargon.  Dispensing pellets of water to credulous customers while spinning yarns and old-wives tales about miasms and remedies would be no problem for a chap with my experience.  I will even be happy to supply my own white coat so as to add that extra spot of vim and vigour to the placebo effect generated by my kindly words.  I wear glasses so look rather intelligent, and am prepared to turn my head slightly to one side and offer consolation to sufferers of a-bit-under-the-weather.  I am also qualified to refer anyone who appears to have an actual illness to an actual doctor.

I have plans to institute a money-saving scheme whereby all my medicines are produced using the cold tap in the corner of my expensive doctors office.  This will reduce costs of pretending to make medicine with all that tiresome diluting and banging bottles against leather boards.  Wikipedia and googling the term ‘provings’ will provide me with all the diagnostic tools I require; I assume I will not need to diagnose any actual diseases, merely recognise some obvious symptoms... feeling a bit icky, runny nose, that sort of thing.

I just hope the real doctors don’t feel upset.  After all what was the point in their studying science and medicine for all those years when any old fraud can step up and earn a fortune, conning the public and spreading confusion?  I hope to be that fraud.

P.S.  If the job requires it I am prepared to fundamentally misunderstand, or simply ignore, the most basic scientific principals and any evidence presented to me.

Wish me luck, although I don’t think I’ll need it; I’m pretty confident.  There have been a few other amusing applications; Science Digestive here, and Anomalous Distraction here.