... but I stopped. Now I'm a dad, and may blog again...

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Block Chop 26: Doctor in Homeopathy? Of course I could do that.

Yesterday afternoon I applied for a job as Speciality Doctor in Homeopathy at Ninewells Hospital in Dundee.  The salary is £36,807 to £68,638, apparently for eight hours work a week.  Online application through the website is currently closed, presumably because of sarcastic people like me, concerned about NHS funds being wasted on witchcraft.  If you too would like to apply for this job you can find all the info here and email your application to recruitment.tayside@nhs.net.

To help you with the application process below is what I wrote in my statement in support of the application.  I’m pretty sure this is the right sort of thing:

I have no medical or scientific qualifications and as such feel perfectly suited to the advertised role of Homeopath.  I notice that you are currently not accepting applications.  I assume this is due to overwhelming demand for such a cushy job.  Up to £69,000 of tax payers’ money for eight hours a week. (I assume the salary is pro rata however the description doesn’t make this clear.)  I would be willing to work as little as half an hour a week for a representative cut of the money.  It would be nice to do a job share so that as many people as possible may share in the spoils of this fraud against science and the tax payer.

As mentioned I am not a scientist or a doctor, but I do have experience in creative writing and sales.  I also have a medical dictionary and a copy of Grey’s Anatomy which I can consult for impressive jargon.  Dispensing pellets of water to credulous customers while spinning yarns and old-wives tales about miasms and remedies would be no problem for a chap with my experience.  I will even be happy to supply my own white coat so as to add that extra spot of vim and vigour to the placebo effect generated by my kindly words.  I wear glasses so look rather intelligent, and am prepared to turn my head slightly to one side and offer consolation to sufferers of a-bit-under-the-weather.  I am also qualified to refer anyone who appears to have an actual illness to an actual doctor.

I have plans to institute a money-saving scheme whereby all my medicines are produced using the cold tap in the corner of my expensive doctors office.  This will reduce costs of pretending to make medicine with all that tiresome diluting and banging bottles against leather boards.  Wikipedia and googling the term ‘provings’ will provide me with all the diagnostic tools I require; I assume I will not need to diagnose any actual diseases, merely recognise some obvious symptoms... feeling a bit icky, runny nose, that sort of thing.

I just hope the real doctors don’t feel upset.  After all what was the point in their studying science and medicine for all those years when any old fraud can step up and earn a fortune, conning the public and spreading confusion?  I hope to be that fraud.

P.S.  If the job requires it I am prepared to fundamentally misunderstand, or simply ignore, the most basic scientific principals and any evidence presented to me.

Wish me luck, although I don’t think I’ll need it; I’m pretty confident.  There have been a few other amusing applications; Science Digestive here, and Anomalous Distraction here.


Zeno said...

Excellent - competition is hotting up!

I've been compiling a list of the candidates on my Think Humanism forum, starting at this post.

Dr. Nancy Malik said...

Real is scientific homeopathy. It cures even when Conventional Allopathic Medicine (CAM) fails. Nano doses of evidence-based modern homeopathy medicine brings big results for everyone

Al said...

By "Grays Anatomy" I take you're talking a DVD box set, not the titular textbook? Wouldn't want you to be getting too close to actual medical knowlegde, would we?

Kevin Bradshaw said...

No the book. Don't worry, I've never read it, but it was only £4 from a remainders bookshop.

Thanks for the spam.

g_s_bradshaw said...

I completely disagree with Dr Nancy. Her statement is simply untrue ("homeopathy medicine brings big results for everyone"). We tried homeopathy for your asthma when you were a child, Kevin (not sure if you remember). We paid out a fortune and it made absolutely no difference whatsoever.
I agree with you about it being a complete waste of NHS money, especially in the current financial situation. Anyone who wants to try homeopathy should pay for it and waste their own money and not mine and other taxpayers.

Kevin Bradshaw said...

Yeah she is talking nonsense. Google her. Also it looks like she has spammed the same comment on other blogs taking part in the protest.

Aillas said...

Ooh look, Nancy's spamming here too - perhaps she's an internet bot, it would certainly explain some of her more bizarre comments.

Nice application Kevin but you're up against some pretty stiff competition - http://aillas.blogspot.com/.


Dr. Nancy Malik said...

Scientific Research on homeopathy medicine published in lancet
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9310601(1997) //homeopathy is 2.45 times more effective than placeb

http://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736%2886%2990410-1/abstract (1986) //hayfever

Kevin Bradshaw said...

Welcome back Dr. Nancy RoBOTnik,

If your truly believe in the medical efficacy of homeopathy, and the power of science to understand and quantify it, then I wish you all the best. If homeopathy works it will revolutionise world health and the foundations of our understanding.

If, as you believe, there is a physical mechanism whereby "potentised" water can produce medical benefits, you should also be concerned that that same mechanism could cause harm (overdose, side effects, poisoning, etc). For this reason you should be wary of using homeopathy before it is understood by mainstream medical science. Using homeopathy (if you believe it works) is essentially the equivalent of prescribing untested experimental drugs without understanding their mechanics and effects.

Let's be clear. There are benefits to homeopathy: the placebo effect. There are negatives/side-effects: the spread of disinformation about basic scientific principals. The homeopathic remedy itself does nothing, and this is well established.

If your interest in homeopathy is genuinely scientific I wish you all the best, but please be open-minded to evidence that disproves it. If your interest in homeopathy is pure as a financial exploit, I wish you would be quiet.


Kevin Bradshaw said...

P.S. @Nancy

I don't actually expect a proper response from you. You are well known for trolling forums with bizarre nonsense catch phrases, off topic replies and apropos of nothing statements. Everyone actually thinks you are a spam bot, not a real person.