... but I stopped. Now I'm a dad, and may blog again...

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

419: A midge's bawhair

Dictionaries are good, and if you read them people think you are cool, so sang NOFX (at least I think that's what they sang, it was quite a long time ago). And how right they were; I myself read dictionaries, and you all know how cool I am. At various times in my life I have said yo and I think I may have given the thumbs up also. Cool is as cool does. Anyway, dictionaries: in English they reflect the language, adding new words as and when they become common enough to warrant inclusion; in French they fascistically dictate how an elite group of snobs declare the language should be spoken. There is a third, better kind of dictionary, available from The Works for £3.99. Viz's Profanisaurus doesn't reflect the language, or demand it stick to a strict regiment, it actively encourages one to play with it, subvert it and pervert it.

Randomly flipping through the 624 pages of DasKrapital, the current bumper edition of the profanisaurus, is real genuine lol fun; it really is the vicar's cock. And that's what I will now do for your delight and delectation; here are a few randomishly chosen highlights:

mumrar n. The act of sneaking up behind your mother and shouting "RAR!"

muttered Pooh exclam. An amusing way for a literate fellow to round off a bit of back chat. Likewise grumbled Eeyore, or said Thomas.

I bet that holds some shit! Exclam. A compliment proffered to a bird with a big arse.

Navy gravy n. A salty spume found in a jolly Jack Tar's beard. Sailor's ale.

Shpaddiel n. Long-winded comedy anecdotage from David Baddiel which results in death-like silence.

Mexican wave n. The act of getting up off the thunderbox and then having to sit back down again for a further unexpected evacuation of the Enochs. From the similarity to the eponymous transverse, laterally-displaced, periodical motion exhibited by bored sports crowds. A second sitting.

Party popper n. When a chap's wife or mistress struts around the house naked with the tail of her fanny mouse hanging out of her skirting board, and he feels the urge to pull it and see if her arse flies off. See time bomb fuse.

Wire spiders n. The hairs around the chocolate starfish that come to life when you are in a meeting or in the checkout queue at Asda. Arse wasps.

Often the entries are illustrated with quotes from ficticious works by Barbara Cartland, J.K. Rowling or P.G. Wodehouse:

top deck v. Of a house guest, to defecate in one's host's cistern, rather than more conventionally, in the toilet, for comic effect. "I say, Jeeves, he was a bit of a rum cove, what? Did you see him passing the port from left to right?' 'Indeed I did, Sir,' replied the sage retainer. 'I took the liberty of top decking the servants' bathroom before leaving." (from Heil Hitler, Jeeves! by P.G.Wodehouse).

Stamped bat euph. One of the most horrific kinds of ladypart imaginable; a bodily treasure that resembles nothing so much as a flying rodent that has been subjected to a heavy shoeing. A snatch that not even Ozzy Osbourne would consider eating. 'Nostalgia was powerless to resist. His eyes bored into hers like zirconium-coated drill bits. His muscular arms enfolded her body as she felt herself being whisked away on a souffle of passion. Gently he lowered her bloomers, and a thrill of forbidden excitement shot through her loins as she felt his hot Latin breath beginning to creep down her crab ladder towards the alter of Venus. But it was not to be. 'Bloody Nora,' shouted Sextus Emiricus from between her legs. 'I'm not licking that out. It looks like a fucking stamped bat.'' (from The Lady and the 2nd Century Pyrrhonic Skepticist Philosopher by Barbara Cartland).

Shit machine n. A dog. 'I fired three shots, and moments later the hellish glowing beast, whatever it was, lay dead in the Grimpen Mire. If I had hesitated for a second, or had my aim been less than true, it would most certainly have killed Sir Henry where he stood, as Stapleton had intended. 'My God, Holmes,' I expostulated breathlessly. 'What on earth is it?' The great detective stepped forward and examined the foul creature's still-luminous form through his eyeglass. 'A simple trick,' he announced presently. 'It is merely a large shit machine which has been coated with phosphorus.'' (from The Shit Machine of the Baskervilles by Sir Arthur Conan-Doyle).

So there you go; a lot of new facts and figures for you to take home with you. Thank the keen editors and collectors from the pages of that fine, august periodical Viz magazine for their diligent efforts in bringing together the oddities on the fringe of our language. And please try and use at least one entry a day in your normal conversation; it's a fun game to play. Good night.

P.S. CLICK HERE to get the Profanisaurus App for your smart phone - it really is the bee's bollocks.

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