I ate all of my share of the afternoon tea: welsh cake, bara brith, sandwiches (ham and pickle, cucumber and cream cheese, and smoked salmon), goats cheese tart, crumpet with bacon and rarebit, a single mini profiterole, and two scones with butter, jam and clotted cream, plus a glass of champagne and four cups of tea. Then I sunk into my leather library armchair and lapsed into a coma.

Earlier I bought four 1960s and 70s Rupert the Bear annuals from Sue Ryder and four xmas decorations from somewhere called Choo Choo. Further down the street was a further shop called Choo Choo Etc Etc. This is not linked to reality, I'll have to move on, explained the doctor on itv's OCD Ward programme. The gingerbread man is cute, but what does it have to do with xmas? My wife tells me it's a German thing, Weihnachten.

I awoke on the bed with a fizzy stomach and a light hint of headache, but a few farts, burps and a glass of water and the prosecco was chilled and popped. It's dark outside and we wonder where the peacocks, the peahens and the peababies roost in the wind and the rain. An advert on telly for an Audi that isn't available until Autumn 2014 - what's that about. There must be a reason, but what is it. The promised storm didn't manifest here in North Wales, and today had rather beautiful weather for the season. We scaled battlements and descended dark dank helical staircases that lead to nowhere. We threw 2p into a wishing well that was no deeper than floor-level.

Notice I say helical staircase and not the technically incorrect spiral staircase. That's the kind of guy I am. A bit of a twat. Good night.