383: A Genuine Expression of Love, or 'Exalted the Lozenge'

Most things are shit. Some things are not. Sometimes I think I focus too much on the shit; it is easier to take the piss than express genuine praise free from sarcasm or irony. My speaking voice often misleads people into perceiving positive comments as sarcastic. As a result I withhold praise as much as possible. I will attempt to rectify that. Here is a puff-piece about something good:

It's rare I find a product that I am prepared to stand up and be counted as a fan of. That might be because it is rare that products actually function properly as advertised. Usually tedious bits of plastic, chemicals or electrical gadgetry are held up as life changing wonders. Aftershave and deodorant are promoted as wielding the power to draw clunge and cunt (hendiadys?) uncontrollably from afar. Trainers with rounded heels can magically transform the flabbiest arse into a perfect photoshop peach. Fast food restaurants are saving the rainforests, and fizzy drinks manufacturers, airlines and credit card pedlars are creating better future; a unified chorus of humanity.

But there is at least one product out there that actually does what it claims. Even better than that, it does it with a presumably modest budget, deduced by the fact I have never seen any form of advert for it; not TV or print.

Jakemans ®

Boston ENGLAND

Est 1907

THE ORIGINAL

AND FAMOUS

Throat

& Chest

Soothing Menthol Sweets

A DELICIOUS TASTING MENTHOL SWEET

MADE WITH ONLY THE FINEST INGREDIENTS

I am prone to sinus blockage. This is due to being a member of a species that walks upright on two legs, head held high, yet having evolved from four-legged ancestors. At some point our ancestors heads faced forwards and our sinuses drained freely. Now mucus pools in the evolutionary mistake we carry in our heads. Add to that my weak, allergic city-dwelling pigeon-chest and you have a recipe for a bunged up nose. My hearing goes and my head pounds as the concrete sets inside my skull. No amount of hocking, snorting or blowing will do anything to easy the pressure and clear my airways.

There is only one cure, the magnificent Jakemans Throat & Chest sweets. Tonight I had that very problem, and sucking on one menthol lozenge (also with aniseed and eucalyptus) caused my ears to pop and my nose to run. Two tissues later and my head was completely clear. The back of the packet claims once tasted they will be your favourite soothing sweet. I first tried them about three years ago on recommendation from a work colleague. I had never heard of them and was used to trying and failing with tunes, vicks, lockets, airwaves, and those little nozzles you jam up your hooter. None of them work. Jakemans do. I'm going to have another one, and quietly enjoy the freedom to breathe in and out of my nose. I'm not sponsored by them, but I wish I was.

You know what else is not shit (litotes?)? Loperamide. In fact it has the power to bring about the opposite of shit: no shit. But that's another story altogether.