Get me a reflective surface and a deodorant stick, or remote control that can stand in for a microphone, and in my head I’m a shirtless longhaired tattooed roaring screaming metal singer belting out the classics by Pantera, Fear Factory, Cradle of Filth, Sepultura, White Zombie, Marilyn Manson... It’s time to re-plaster my bedroom walls with articles on Insane Clown Posse, home-made Anti-Christ Superstar banners and posters of female bass players in below average metal bands.
Every time I’m feeling low a suicidal-headlights-off crash down darkest memory lane always cheers me up. Back when metal was exciting; all sorts of new ideas were creeping in like the Power Groove from Pantera, the occasional melodic vocal section of Fear Factory, even the attempted rapping of Limp Bizkit held the briefest of appeals. For a moment in time these stylistic flirtations were perfectly in balance; they added to the metal without detracting.
Now we are in the doldrums. All the old bands are shit: Marilyn Manson, Insane Clown Posse, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Cradle of Filth... Some of these bands are still going, but it is an incontrovertible proven fact that not a one of them has released a single scab of good music since 1997. All the best songwriters are dead: Dimebag Darrell, Pete Steele. All the great ideas have gone too far and been milked to death; METAL turned to Metal, then metal, then (metal)... then emo..........
I’ve only myself to blame for not paying attention for most of a decade. Perhaps if I’d kept watch none of this would have happened. Instead I was off gallivanting with IDM, hip hop, country, post-rock, pop, sometimes even just generic rock. Oh, what was I thinking?
Where has all the anger gone, the rage, the screaming? STOP FUCKING SINGING YOU SILLY CHILDREN. Occasionally a band like Trivium or Mastadon will grab my attention; oh, is metal back on form? It’s got screaming, dizzying solos; is this it!? Oh no, singing. Wimpy shitty singing has gone and ruined another piece of perfectly good music. (Aside: I better give these two bands another try before I dismiss them completely.)
Blah. Here’s a load of videos: I’ve thrown them loosely and messily on the table: Watch them/don’t watch them: Take them with you forever, or leave them where you found them for someone else’s pleasure. They’ve treated me well over these years, but now I gift them to you: