There should be a statute of limitation as to how long and how many times advertising companies are permitted to show the same advert on television. Once that limit is up, say two weeks, they must shift to a new one. It may be permissible for them to use the same theme for three of four different adverts, and then they must switch to an entirely new approach.
For instance I am fed up with seeing that Haribo advert where the little twat in the suit hands sour sweets to everyone as they prepare for a group wedding photograph. As the photographer shouts ‘cheese’ the said little twat shouts ‘Haribo’. Everyone except the bride pops their sweet into their mouths, and completely overreacts to the mild sourness of the crap sweets. In ridiculously inappropriate and stylised slow motion shots their faces wobble, gurn and contort. Then the bride, who apparently has eyes in the side of her head, does her best ‘I’m soo annoyed’ acting.
This advert has exceeded its limit, and is henceforth banned from being televised. All digital copies must be deleted, hard copies burned, and anyone harbouring illegal copies on their Sky+ boxes risks fines or imprisonment. But the awful Haribo sequence is not even close to being the worst of the many shocking adverts poisoning our screens.
Possibly the most gut-wrenchingly, physically sickening of the corporate vignettes is for something I can’t even remember. Actually, no I just remembered; it’s in the song. ISA, ISA Baby. A pretend radio show run by the over-enthusiastic fake employees of a bank attempt to be something; I’m not sure if they are trying to be funny, or quirky, or if they are just actively trying to be fucking dicks. One woman bobs her head and looks over at the man as if to say ‘aren’t I such a kooky gal’, whilst pushing the faders uncomprehendingly. Her stupid face should be blurred out. It’s entirely possible she might be a nice person in real life, but if this advert is anything to go by we may have actually found a use for the burka.
Isa Isa Baby is overdue to be off the airwaves. And if memory serves it may be the latest in a line of variations on a theme. If that is the case, they must comply with my proclamation: No more pretend radio shows advertising banks.
Last but not least, and I feel it is rather trite to mention, the dreaded two words that should only be mentioned in hushed tones amongst people of strong will: Go Compare. All it took was for me to type those two accursed words, and that disgraceful tune is lodged in my head. It makes me want to hack out that earworm with a butcher’s hook through my temple or eyeballs (whichever is quicker). It is what the mute button was made for, and don’t the producers know it. That is why they, the evil unspecified they, have added the words to the screen in subtitles. All it takes is a glance at those words and the tune appears in my mind spontaneously.
The theme of the annoying fat opera singer whoring himself into derision, hate and public nuisance for the sake of money, has been played out variously; leaping from a car, desert island, ancient Egypt, possibly others. Any further variations on the theme are now (in my mind at least) official classifiable as criminal acts. I am not currently in a position of power over the world, so the most I can do is urge you to take advantage of any opportunity that arises. Should you happen to meet anyone and discover they are involved in further production of this advert, you have my blessing to attempt a citizen’s arrest, or perhaps take a leaf out of Judge Dredd’s book and become judge, jury and most importantly, executioner.