Now that all London-bred rappers are named after characters from EastEnders – Dot Rotten, The Mitchell Brothers, MC Wellard, Ian Beale-2-Real, Gobbie Jackson, B-Yanka & R'Kay, Lil Mo', LP Moon, Phat Butcher, and Pauline Fuckin' Fowler, to name but a few of the most popular – I think it's about time the North West redressed the balance.
We've got our own hugely popular and influential soap-opera, Coronation Street, but where are the super cool young rap stars named after Corrie characters? Manchester-based lyricists and performers of the Rap, I implore you, do not be intimidated by the Southerners with their grime and whatnot. Oh, it's grim up North, is it? Have you ever seen EastEnders? Not exactly a laugh a minute is it? I digress.
What follows is what I hope will become a valuable resource for Manchester rappers in need of a hip street name, all of them with a Corrie twist:
- Emily Bash-Hop – for rappers combining Jamaican Dancehall sounds with the hip hop, and chintz.
- Queera Duckworth – for rappers looking to cash in on the latest lazy-journalist-scum label of Gay Rap.
- Norris Soul – for soul singers combining hip hop beats with petty gossip, interference and shit-stirring.
- Ice-T Barlow – for rappers who know the real Ice-T was also called Tracy.
- Ena Sharpest – for rappers who like it old school.
- Dred Elliot – good one for horrorcore/acid rappers cos it's well scary and has a reference to a butcher... called Fred.
- LP Tanner – kind of the same joke as LP Moon, apart from with Elsie instead of Alfie.
- Blanche – just because.
- Roy Crabber – for the proficient scratch DJ with a side-parting, an apron, a train set and a trans wife.
- David Platt-a-tat-tat – for rappers with barely concealed psychopathy who enjoy putting childish gun sounds into their verses.
- Gail Platt-a-tat-tat – for rappers who enjoy the same rubbish joke twice, but look kind of like a disappointed worm.*
- Eileen Grimeshaw – for the rapper that knows what Grime actually is.
- Bet Lynch – for rappers with a sick sense of humour and a perverse desire to recreate the cover of the KMD album Bl_ck B_st_rds.
- Betty's Hot-Drop – for rappers who like beats that build up, pause, then explode dynamically yet predictably, and also enjoy traditional Lancashire grub.
That's it. That's all I've got. Feel free to suggest any alternatives/improvements. And together we can make Manchester hip-hop as popular, insular and self-referential as London hip-hop.
*the 'disappointed worm' bit was nicked from a ten-year old Charlie Brooker joke I have stored in the back of my mind. Soz.