Apparently there are up to a quarter of a million different species of moth. I don't find this at all difficult to believe; partly because I have gleefully consumed books by Darwin, Dawkins, et al on the incredible exciting subjects of biology, evolution, and bio-diversity; and partly because there are probably a quarter of a million different species of moth flying around my flat, hiding on the darker surfaces, and batting gently against the paper light shades. No exaggeration at all. There is at least one moth in every room in the flat, and probably more since last I counted. I'm no mathematician, but there is a lot of moths. They are coming from the trees in the park at the back; they come in through the windows to eat our light. I'm no lepidopterist, but they are definately eating the light, or they are up to something anyway.
One out of a hundred moths are specialised micro-engineered reconnaissance robots sent to Earth by The Creator for the purpose of observing the technological progress of humans, pigs and trout. So far we are winning. I'm no robopsychiatrist, but it's evident to me that the robot-thing-alien-moth-spy hypothesis will eventually reach the exhalted status of theory. Only then will I be vindicated, and the war against that heavenly dictator can truly begin. You'll see, you'll all see. They swarm against me like a Hitchcockian night-terror ; their combed feelers tapping out their mocking threats against me in Morse code ; broadcasting their observations in wavelengths thusfar undiscovered. O, why me – curse you god for mocking me this way.
Moths have become such a commonly observed lifeform that I have considered getting to know them a bit better. Formal introductions, smalltalk, ice-breakers, drinks, chit-chat, gentle ribbing, dinner and a show, stopping just short of a civil partnership and then stepping back to being just friends. I also have an urge to draw them. It's incredibly art-student of me to want to do that, but I have no delusions (I'm no psychologist, but...) of being the next moth version of Leonardo Da Vinci. In The I.T. Crowd Moss had apparently invented a ladder for assisting moths out of the bathtub. The original moth Leonardo Da Vinci had invented helicopters and parachutes for moths. Although they were not built at the time they have been more recently and discovered to have worked.
The Common Clothes Moth is particularly well-known for, and named after, it's dress sense. It has a manner of dressing itself that is haughtily looked down upon as being common – especially by butterflies, with their posh togs and dangerously expensive jewellery. A caterpillar is just a slug in a sleeping bag you will certainly have heard many times before – but pay it no heed. There is no just about it; a caterpillar is a slug in a sleeping bag. Never forget that as long as you live, for it will serve you well, my son.
