551: I Shouldn't Ponder! (or, It's Sorta Puzzlin'!)

You know when you awake with a fully formed thought that is slightly detached from reality? A piece of gibbering nonsense left over from the dream world that stays with you during your morning ablutions. Sometimes it could be the hauntings of a nightmare translating the stresses and strains of waking life into a surreal fantasy. Other times it could be the fantasies of sexual relations with unattainable figures – pop stars, or... aliens? Whatever thoughts you experience I'm sure you know what I mean, however presumptuous that might be.

I awoke obviously slightly puzzled; quizzical expression on my brow and everything. The question on my mind was "What are ISPs (Internet Service Providers) for? I mean, what do they actually do? And is this a stupid question?" So the stupid answer is "They Provide a Service called the Internet, duh, the answer is in the question". Well actually, no it isn't. Say I want to connect my computer to a digital camera. All I need to accomplish this is a USB cable (and perhaps a very basic driver). I don't need a USB cable and a DCSP (Digital Camera Service Provider). The physical connection is enough.

Why then does connecting one's computer up to the internet require more than just a lead? Why have BT, Virgin Media or whoever elected themselves gatekeeper to this thing, the internet, which is after all just a load of computers connected to one another? Why have we allowed this? I genuinely (as I write this, at 0730hrs, yet to awake fully) don't get what they are providing. It's like a protection racket – pay up or we'll cut you off.

Electricity, gas, and water providers offer a service worth paying for, because the providers have to find the gas, generate the electricity and clean and store the water. In some countries (including here in the UK) you have to pay for a TV license. This is used to fund the BBC to help them make the programmes ("generate the content", urgh, ugly phrase). Other channels, here and elsewhere, receive their funding through advertising. ISPs do not generate the internet's content, and nor is the internet noticeably lacking in advertising.

Yes, there are underground cables and junction boxes to maintain; but how long before the internet is accessed completely wirelessly, like radio has been since the beginning of recorded history?  And then how will ISPs justify their continued existence?

Block Chop 70: This webpage is not available.

This webpage is not available.

Here are some suggestions:

• Reload this web page later.

Right, that’s it – I’m fucking fed up with BT internet.  Over a month ago we got a letter saying they were replacing the signal boxes or something in the local area and we could expect minor disruptions in service for a couple of weeks; slight variations in connection speed, occasional drop-out, that sort of thing.  Probably six weeks later and the problem continues to get worse and worse.  I’m having to reset the router five times a day, websites are loading slowly or not at all, pictures are scroll-downloading like the old days, a thirty minute video needs to buffer for over thirty minutes to stream properly: it’s a fucking nightmare, like living in the dark ages.  How did those poor mud-scrabbling peasants cope in their servile lives of impoverished serfdom and slow internet. 

A few months ago BT contacted us asking if we wanted a free upgrade on our service to BT infinity.  No extra cost, they just needed to send us a new router and send an engineer to install a new filter on the phone line.  They said much faster top speeds (up to 40 meg downloads, I think), no extra cost.  We never received the router, and no engineer turned up.  If it was some blagger phoning up to extract private information, they did a very poor job.  They asked for no private information, no financial information, nothing.  I have been the victim of no scams here, just of someone forgetting to click a button on BT’s customer service software.  I had completely forgotten about this until the service started getting so bad.

None of this was really bothering me, and all of a sudden I’ve just exploded with frustration.  I can’t read my fucking emails, I’m writing this not knowing if I will be able to post it (if it’s up, you know I have found a brief window of internet access), I’m fed up of the massive variety of page loading errors I keep seeing, especially the I-want-to-punch-you-in-the-face cheekiness of ‘Oops! Google Chrome could not find...’  Now it’s started to bother me it won’t stop.  Usually when there are line problems they are over in a matter of minutes, so I have never experienced a prolonged period of such hassle.  Tomorrow afternoon, as soon as I get in BT is going to get a piece of my mind.  And the random call-centre employee will feel a little deader inside, and a little more hate for their employer.  And I will feel worse for subjecting an innocent customer care assistant to a barrage of hate aimed at the faceless, incompetent behemoth that is BT.

I’ve just run a few online internet connection speed checks.  I’m supposed to be getting a download speed of 20 meg; I am getting a top speed of 3.6 meg.  Not fucking acceptable.  (I put the ‘fucking’ in because I am annoyed.  Don’t say it’s not called for; it’s exactly situations like this that it is called for.  So fuck off, imaginary Swearing Police...)  I want my 40 meg, and I want it now!  I’ve run a barrage of virus checks; adware, malware, spyware, worms, crabs, syphilis... all that.  And I’m pretty sure the laptop is clean.  It smells clean.  So the message is this:  BT, it’s your fault.  Up until recent weeks I had been a big fan.  Your service had been solid and reliable.  Now it is weak, shoddy and haphazard.  Fix it.